One week from now I will be at the airport waiting to board the plane bound for Korea. I should be excited but I am not. It seems strange that I am not excited at all. Afterall, this is what I have been looking forward to for a long time. Many thoughts are passing through my mind as I am typing this posting. First of all, office works are piling up faster than I can clear them. Even if I work everyday until 10 pm each day for one month I may not be able to finish them. Not to mention the additional work that will be waiting for me when I am back from Korea. I hate to disappoint people but I am afraid I have to let a few people down this time.
All these while, I have been completely driven by my emotional mind to pursue a wish of studying in Korea. I ignore what my rational mind is trying to tell me. My emotional mind tells me that this is perhaps a once-in-a lifetime chance. My rational mind tried to ask me what I am doing all this for? I refuse to answer its question directly. I just stubbornly state that I must go because my heart says so. I am just following my heart. There is no need for reasons. It was a decision based on impulse rather than rational thinking and now I am beginning to ask is this a silly decision? I have to pay high cost to study in Korea and I have to let my work snowball and what do I end up with after the 3 weeks over?
I know why I want to study Korean langauge but I don't know what I want to study it for. It could be for business, for a special person, to communicate with Korean friends or to understand Korean drama but none of these are my objectives. I have no objective even though I told others that studying a language opens a new channel of communication for me. My rational mind is laughing at me for giving such a lame answer. How far can an interest carry me? My rational mind is arguing that lacking a specific objective, what I have learnt will soon go to waste. The natural path of regression will set in when I do not use the language for its purpose. I am beginning to see that happening.
If reality has not hit me hard enough yet, my rational mind has one more trump card. How much and for how long do I want to study? I can't possibly be studying to university level as time and tide is not to my advantage. I am stuck. I have no answer. The more I study about the language the more I feel that I know less about the language. I am demoralised time and time again. Taking into account all the considerations, the likelihood of me achieving good proficiency in Korean language is quite remote. There is not much learning opportunity for Korean language left in Singapore and it is also unlikely for me to go to Korea to study. The end of my Korean learninng is perhaps sooner that I thought. A 3-week course in Kyunghee University would not have helped to change the ending anyway.
I have been thinking what will I do after I stop learning Korean. Perhaps I will close down this blog and move on with my life. But I hope I don't have to do that too soon. It doesn't matter whether I stop learning Korean or not, I know I will stop blogging one day. Impermanence is just part and parcel of life. That is perhaps why "Carpe Diem" is such an attractive word. Yes, I will seize the day. I thrive on irrationality sometimes and this is one of those time :)
All these while, I have been completely driven by my emotional mind to pursue a wish of studying in Korea. I ignore what my rational mind is trying to tell me. My emotional mind tells me that this is perhaps a once-in-a lifetime chance. My rational mind tried to ask me what I am doing all this for? I refuse to answer its question directly. I just stubbornly state that I must go because my heart says so. I am just following my heart. There is no need for reasons. It was a decision based on impulse rather than rational thinking and now I am beginning to ask is this a silly decision? I have to pay high cost to study in Korea and I have to let my work snowball and what do I end up with after the 3 weeks over?
A sculpture found near Institute of International Education, KHU
I know why I want to study Korean langauge but I don't know what I want to study it for. It could be for business, for a special person, to communicate with Korean friends or to understand Korean drama but none of these are my objectives. I have no objective even though I told others that studying a language opens a new channel of communication for me. My rational mind is laughing at me for giving such a lame answer. How far can an interest carry me? My rational mind is arguing that lacking a specific objective, what I have learnt will soon go to waste. The natural path of regression will set in when I do not use the language for its purpose. I am beginning to see that happening.
If reality has not hit me hard enough yet, my rational mind has one more trump card. How much and for how long do I want to study? I can't possibly be studying to university level as time and tide is not to my advantage. I am stuck. I have no answer. The more I study about the language the more I feel that I know less about the language. I am demoralised time and time again. Taking into account all the considerations, the likelihood of me achieving good proficiency in Korean language is quite remote. There is not much learning opportunity for Korean language left in Singapore and it is also unlikely for me to go to Korea to study. The end of my Korean learninng is perhaps sooner that I thought. A 3-week course in Kyunghee University would not have helped to change the ending anyway.
I have been thinking what will I do after I stop learning Korean. Perhaps I will close down this blog and move on with my life. But I hope I don't have to do that too soon. It doesn't matter whether I stop learning Korean or not, I know I will stop blogging one day. Impermanence is just part and parcel of life. That is perhaps why "Carpe Diem" is such an attractive word. Yes, I will seize the day. I thrive on irrationality sometimes and this is one of those time :)
hey hey, i know it seems v demoralising at times. but remember, there's always a purpose for everything. u never know when korean might come in handy. who knows what the future holds? u might even end up working in korea next time!
ReplyDeletecontinue working hard at it! life's too short for regrets:)
Well said, Jean! ^^
ReplyDeleteGuess what? You will find the answers to all your questions during or after your 3-week study.
ReplyDeleteMore demoralising realities, I guess ;)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I know what you mean. Thanks. ^^
annyong ~ i chanced upon ur blog (and your friends' blogs... spicebears etc etc) today while surfing for korean lang. information. I am thankful that I have learnt a lot from your postings. Pls continue to pursue your k-studies :) every lesson taken is a lesson for life. I'm studying currently in NEX for the last 9 mths. I hope i can & will continue to pursue this, & be good enuff to explore Korea with the language :)
ReplyDeleteHello Nyte, thanks for visiting my blog. I will definitely continue to learn the language though the current environment in Singapore is not quite favourable. If you can afford both the time and money, do enrol in a Korean university to study the language. The speed of picking up the language is faster and the experience is unforgetable.
ReplyDeleteWow..i accidentally drop on this blog when i was searching for 게 되다 explanation. Although this is an old post, i still want to give a comment since this post really represent what i feel now.I plan to take Korean course in October. I DO think that my plan is ridiculous. I have calculated the money i will need to spend and it's really BIG for just one month. so many times i think whether it's a silly decision or not. I told my plan to my friends but they didn't give me encouragement responds. Basically, even the world surrounds think that this idea is indeed crazy..
ReplyDeleteHowever there are so many times too, my heart told me to just do it..don't think too much haha
I want to do something different before i hit 30 years old, before i get marry, etc
Your post really energize me to stay on my plan...thank you...i feel that i am not alone with this anxious feeling hahah